[ that is exactly it, though. panorama is what? more real, less real, less possible than everything they're wrapped up in. karen recognizes, in that sort of way when you look back and realize hours, days, sometimes even weeks have passed without you realizing it. that she has been actively thinking of all of this as impossible, as some kind of dream, or something that couldn't be real. just as the diffusion zones weren't real. temporary.
as she blinks, she realizes logan's tilted his head at her, confused, and karen realizes just how much of that feeling has been her, desperately, convincing herself it was true.
but it's not, is it? she's been here for weeks, with no escape in sight. she's been here almost two months, has been chatting and talking and enjoying her time with logan, but that even then some part of her has still been clinging to the chance she wouldn't be here much longer at all. there is a swell of guilt, at that realization, at the feeling that she has been... what? leading him on?
has she?
hard to trust something that's a little too nice.
karen stills after his words, looking at him in her stillness. the thing is- she understands what it is he's saying. how it's hard to settle in, hard to trust anything that seems too good to be true. she thinks back over her own last few years, how every time it had started to feel good, how far she'd fall after. how hard it would hurt. it's another moment, then another more, before she nods and finally drops her eyes to the floor between them, reaches up to comb her fingers back through her hair, pulling it off of her face more out of a habit, a tick, then for any reason - especially with how the blonde strands fall right back down after.
a little too nice. sounds familiar. ]
Yeah- that makes sense. Hard to trust something that's too good to be true. [ she can't help the way she thinks about matt, then. of their good times, and how they always ended, usually drastically, usually in tears, usually harder than they'd been at first. she thinks about how long it took her to tell matt anything, it was nice to be thought of that way. and then- immediately after- she thinks of frank. of every interaction, where it didn't feel like she was lying, like there wasn't anything to hide, because it wasn't all nice.
but now she's sitting here with logan. now she wants to be sitting here with logan. and where does that leave her in all of this? she knows she wants to know more about him, knows that she's curious about what he means, but something in what he sais settles into her. ]
I moved to New York a few years ago. [ a pause, an exhale, as she seems to make a kind of decision in all of this. ] I grew up in a small mountain town in Vermont. It was- [ she huffs a laugh, tired. ] It was kind of a shit place, honestly, and I dreamed of leaving. I was going to go to college, be a writer, move to New York. But then my mom got sick so I didn't, because I had to stay behind to take care of my dad and brother, but... it wasn't great. It wasn't great for a really long time. I don't know if you've been to anyplace like that, where there just. Isn't much to do. Started dating a really... shit guy, honestly, too. And I think I just thought that was it. [ she realizes that this is getting longer than she meant it to be, that there's a point she's trying to make, but in trying to make it, she's just sort of dumping. there's a feeling of sheepishness, self-consciousness, as she starts to pick at her nails a little. ] I kinda accepted that was it. That would be my life. I'd help my dad run the diner, my brother would go to college, my boyfriend and I would probably get pregnant, we'd get married, move into his trailer...
[ a beat, and then she exhales, very much wishes she'd already poured that drink. ]
Then some things kind of... went to shit. I uh- well, everything fell apart. And when it finally settled, I moved to New York. I tried to leave it all behind me, you know? Start something new. For a few months it worked, and it was nice. Too nice, I guess. And then that all sort of fell apart, in a different way, but also not that different, I still- [ she shakes her head. she's getting so far ahead of herself, and doesn't even know where she's going with it. but there's something in the stillness in how logan is sitting in the room with her that she feels like this is... she doesn't know. necessary? like he deserves this much of her, maybe. that after she's here now, for the second time, asking logan to stay so she isn't alone.
because that's what this really does come down to, right? the fact that karen is here. that karen is asking logan to be here. and that he has said yes, both times. ]
Sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is- I get it. That feeling that good stuff won't last, or isn't actually good. And I know you have... your own life. The war you were dealing with back home. I don't know any of that, but... I don't know. A lot of it is shit, like- really awful. But... it can also be good. And sometimes it's just... only as nice as you make it. [ a beat, and then she looks up to him with a smile that is equal parts apologetic as it is open. something in it a little tired.
she doesn't know much about what he's been through. doesn't know much about him at all. but sometimes it just needs to begin. ] Sometimes, at least.
no subject
as she blinks, she realizes logan's tilted his head at her, confused, and karen realizes just how much of that feeling has been her, desperately, convincing herself it was true.
but it's not, is it? she's been here for weeks, with no escape in sight. she's been here almost two months, has been chatting and talking and enjoying her time with logan, but that even then some part of her has still been clinging to the chance she wouldn't be here much longer at all. there is a swell of guilt, at that realization, at the feeling that she has been... what? leading him on?
has she?
hard to trust something that's a little too nice.
karen stills after his words, looking at him in her stillness. the thing is- she understands what it is he's saying. how it's hard to settle in, hard to trust anything that seems too good to be true. she thinks back over her own last few years, how every time it had started to feel good, how far she'd fall after. how hard it would hurt. it's another moment, then another more, before she nods and finally drops her eyes to the floor between them, reaches up to comb her fingers back through her hair, pulling it off of her face more out of a habit, a tick, then for any reason - especially with how the blonde strands fall right back down after.
a little too nice. sounds familiar. ]
Yeah- that makes sense. Hard to trust something that's too good to be true. [ she can't help the way she thinks about matt, then. of their good times, and how they always ended, usually drastically, usually in tears, usually harder than they'd been at first. she thinks about how long it took her to tell matt anything, it was nice to be thought of that way. and then- immediately after- she thinks of frank. of every interaction, where it didn't feel like she was lying, like there wasn't anything to hide, because it wasn't all nice.
but now she's sitting here with logan. now she wants to be sitting here with logan. and where does that leave her in all of this? she knows she wants to know more about him, knows that she's curious about what he means, but something in what he sais settles into her. ]
I moved to New York a few years ago. [ a pause, an exhale, as she seems to make a kind of decision in all of this. ] I grew up in a small mountain town in Vermont. It was- [ she huffs a laugh, tired. ] It was kind of a shit place, honestly, and I dreamed of leaving. I was going to go to college, be a writer, move to New York. But then my mom got sick so I didn't, because I had to stay behind to take care of my dad and brother, but... it wasn't great. It wasn't great for a really long time. I don't know if you've been to anyplace like that, where there just. Isn't much to do. Started dating a really... shit guy, honestly, too. And I think I just thought that was it. [ she realizes that this is getting longer than she meant it to be, that there's a point she's trying to make, but in trying to make it, she's just sort of dumping. there's a feeling of sheepishness, self-consciousness, as she starts to pick at her nails a little. ] I kinda accepted that was it. That would be my life. I'd help my dad run the diner, my brother would go to college, my boyfriend and I would probably get pregnant, we'd get married, move into his trailer...
[ a beat, and then she exhales, very much wishes she'd already poured that drink. ]
Then some things kind of... went to shit. I uh- well, everything fell apart. And when it finally settled, I moved to New York. I tried to leave it all behind me, you know? Start something new. For a few months it worked, and it was nice. Too nice, I guess. And then that all sort of fell apart, in a different way, but also not that different, I still- [ she shakes her head. she's getting so far ahead of herself, and doesn't even know where she's going with it. but there's something in the stillness in how logan is sitting in the room with her that she feels like this is... she doesn't know. necessary? like he deserves this much of her, maybe. that after she's here now, for the second time, asking logan to stay so she isn't alone.
because that's what this really does come down to, right? the fact that karen is here. that karen is asking logan to be here. and that he has said yes, both times. ]
Sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is- I get it. That feeling that good stuff won't last, or isn't actually good. And I know you have... your own life. The war you were dealing with back home. I don't know any of that, but... I don't know. A lot of it is shit, like- really awful. But... it can also be good. And sometimes it's just... only as nice as you make it. [ a beat, and then she looks up to him with a smile that is equal parts apologetic as it is open. something in it a little tired.
she doesn't know much about what he's been through. doesn't know much about him at all. but sometimes it just needs to begin. ] Sometimes, at least.