[ lucifer is... terrible. beautiful. something altogether other, even among angels. castiel still doesn't know how to feel about it, after all these years. he only wishes he didn't have to— all their problems stem back to that break in the foundation.

it's pointless to dwell, but he's always been good at it. ]

...God?

[ is he trying to punish you too? castiel thinks. ]

That isn't why.

[ he doesn't know what the empty is. he's not sure he wants to. he's not sure it matters, either, because what difference does it make? he feels the way he feels regardless. castiel shakes his head. ]

And it wasn't really my point. I betrayed Dean. I betrayed them both. I used Sam against Dean, which might as well be the greatest sin of all. And there was no reason for it. I was hurting them because I thought they had hurt me. When, really, all they wanted was for me to do the right thing.

[ castiel swallows and his licks his lips, his throat dry again.

this is why things are complicated. this is why things will always be complicated. ]